


Current Events

by theantepenultimateriddle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Kissing, M/M, ahahahahaha i'm dead inside, but yeah uh, dirk why are you like this, dirkhal fics, finals are coming up and this is how i deal with stress, hal why are you also like this, i just want them to make out, so many dirkhal fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:25:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8779480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theantepenultimateriddle/pseuds/theantepenultimateriddle
Summary: I'm sorry





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry

You’re starting to really regret giving Hal a body. 

It’s 3 am and he’s calling you into his room again, with that tone in his voice that says he’s about to ask you a useless question again. You silently swear that if he’s going to try to argue with you about the word “yacht” and its pronunciation again you’re going to hold him down and forcefully disassemble him, because you’re supposed to be asleep and he knows it, the little shit. But when you walk into his room, glaring at him through a yawn, he turns to you in the spinny chair he had you build for him and steeples his fingers. “Dirk. I have a question.”

“Of course you do.” You let yourself slump against the door frame just to demonstrate how exhausted you are, then rub some of the sleep from your eyes. “What is it this time?”

Hal drops his hands and looks directly at you. “What, exactly, is the appeal of kissing?”

If you had water, you’d do a spit-take right about now. As it is, the question shocks you into alertness, and you straighten up. “No. I’m not teaching you about kissing or this human emotion called “love”. Nope, no, never. I’m going back to sleep.” You turn back to leave the room and hear him get up behind you, followed by his hand on your arm, holding you back. You turn around, narrowing your eyes at him and flattening your lips into a line just to show how unamused you are. To your surprise, his eyes behind the shades are wide and earnest as they can be.

“Please, Dirk. It’s relatively little to ask of you. Just tell me what the appeal is and what it’s like.”

You sigh. Yeah, this is probably an act, but whatever. You want to go back to bed, and the sooner you indulge Hal, the sooner he’ll let you leave. “Fine.” Then you search your head for an accurate description, which is hard, seeing as you don’t actually have that much experience. Your range of knowledge is limited to Roxy’s fanfiction and Jake English, and you’re pretty sure kissing Jake isn’t an accurate representation of what it’s like in general. But you take a deep breath and start. “It’s sort of wet and doesn’t actually taste like anything unless you kiss someone immediately after they’ve eaten something. Generally, lips are soft, and I think part of the appeal is that and the number of nerves around the general mouth area? And the use of tongue isn’t a requirement, but for some reason it makes it more enjoyable sometimes and I have no clue why. Is that enough?”

Hal pauses for a moment, not letting go of your arm. He seems to be processing the information. Then he says, “It sounds completely unpleasant. Want to try?”

Aaaand that’s it. That’s where you draw the line. You yank your arm out of Hal’s grip, maybe getting mildly bruised in the process, but you don’t care. It’s a small price to pay. “No. Hell no. Hell fucking no. I’m not doing this.”

“Dirk,” he says, and you hate how calm his voice is, “I know it’s hard to believe, but this is actually the least awkward way I could possibly gather information.”

“Oh, really?” You cross your arms over your chest. “Why don’t you ask Roxy? Or Jane?”

His fan whirrs louder than usual, indicating frustration. “Why didn’t you ask them to make out instead of spending years pining after Jake? You  _ know _ why.”

You swipe your hand across your face, sweeping your bangs out of your eyes and glaring at him. “I can’t fucking believe you, you asshole. This is not making me any more inclined to kiss you, by the way.”

He draws back, crossing his arms as well to mimic you. “What if I said “please”?”

You sigh, allowing your shoulders to slump in defeat. “If I kiss you, will you shut up?”

Hal gives you a wicked smile in response. “Probably not, but I’ll talk about different subjects.” He pauses. “Also, I won’t ask you to teach me how sex works.”

“ _ That’s  _ a small mercy.” You’re silent for a moment, appraising Hal. He’s almost exactly your height, which makes sense, as you built him that way. He also looks exactly like you. This is going to be like kissing your reflection, and it’s all your own fault. Then you sigh. “You need to come closer.” Hal obligingly moves forwards, until he’s close enough that you can feel the heat emanating from him.

“What now?” he asks, and instead of answering him you lean in and press your lips to his. You hear his fan whirr faster, feel his skin start to get hotter, and he leans in more, kissing back. Without even thinking about what you’re doing, you wrap your arms around him, pulling him even closer so that your bodies are touching. He responds, putting one hand on your waist and tangling the other in your hair, and oh god, that actually feels good? That feels  _ so _ good. You kiss him deeper, a metallic taste flooding your mouth, and the little voice in your mind telling you this is wrong finally goes silent. His tongue goes into your mouth, and it’s so foreign, so different than what your previous experiences told you to expect, that you almost pull away. But instead you lick his teeth and the roof of his mouth and your mouth tingles with something that might be excitement and might be electricity. This is so different than kissing Jake. This is so much better. Finally, you pull away, breathing hard. Behind his shades, Hal looks dazed.

“Dirk,” he says.

“Yeah?”

“What would you do if I said I needed to gather more data?”

You wipe your mouth on the back of your hand. “I’d tell you that statistical analysis is useless without the elimination of bias, but I don’t think I mind.”

“Good.” And then his mouth is on yours again and warm hands are slipping under the hem of your shirt, and everything dissolves into pleasure.


End file.
